Help! Please!

I recently met with an elderly lady whose daughter in law is my friend.  We got talking and conversation was flowing until I stumbled upon her misery point.  She mentioned that her son (my friend's husband)  was very close with his elder brother and that they shared a great bond and that he would never deny anything that his brother asked /sugggested/told. In a hushed tone she mentioned that my friend can't understand this.  She was unhappy and complaining.
This sent me thinking.  An association /relation that has seen one through bad time vs a new association /relation that is equally part of the thick and thin,  that is the present and future more than the first one!  And the man in question is feeling obliged to put or apparently put the first one first. It's Tricky,  really tricky.  There are emotions involved from all sides.
What is the solution?
What does help from the past beget? Sorrow for the present partner.
What does the new association beget?
Sorrow for the past and continuing relations.
What does it do to the person in question?
It makes him unhappy towards his new association.
Usually,  the new association is to blame and is convicted.  Partly because it is new, partly because it is not a blood relation and mostly because it is this way only!
But how must the help function so that it does not generate sorrow?  How must the love bonds function that they do not claim coming life or love? 
And how must we treat marriage so that it doesn't become suffering?
One more aspect is open for analysis.  It is often seen that when we receive help or favor we want to return it most sincerely. But does it not mean that we are actually looking for a situation wherein the helping or favoring party may have need for help . It is usually not a pleasant time when we need help . So are we really looking to return the favor or longing for an unpleasant time for the helping party?  There may be other ways too like treating the helping party in a special way with either cash or kind.  I am not analysing this as it is the prerogative of the person in question. 
But how must the help function?

I think that the bond and the favor should propagate. They really should. 
Love received should be forwarded wherever there is need.
Help received should be forwarded multiplicably. 
In short the transaction of emotion should be legitimate and dynamic. It should make a big circle and thus reach the helping party as and when they need it. 
For we all need a better world free of depression and frustration.

Even a small gesture of love or a small act kindness can result in a hugs benefit to family, community and Society( in the same order).  So let's not keep these gestures within a small closed circuit instead let us set ourselves free to dispense help and spread love wherever it is needed. Amen!

Comments

  1. Sanjeev Mathur31 May 2018 at 05:29

    I fully empathize with you. In the example cited by you, the sole responsibility to handle the situation is of the son (your friend’s husband).

    It is he who has to learn that as new relationships are formed, older relationships will need to take backseat. It is all a question of priorities. He has to handle his elder brother, mother as well as his wife. His mother and brother quite simply put, have done what was their duty in his life thus far. They have not done any favors, repeat FAVORS. What they did was expected from them. A mother when raising a child is simply doing her job. An elder brother when guiding, helping and mentoring his younger sibling is just doing what he is supposed to do. Normally, being older, mother and brother would be expected to act more maturely and understand the predicament they might have put the son in by their silly behavior or illogical demands. More so, because in their own younger days they would have certainly faced similar dilemmas. However, there are times when they forget it or just fail to realize it in time. This is when the problems occur. The wife would obviously not know all the past such helps/favors that husband might have received. Actually, she does not even need to. All families, especially middle class families have their struggles and challenges in life. Yet all of them handle them and grow up. Even on the wife’s side it would be the same. In other words, nobody does any favors to anybody. Everyone just does his or her job to the best of his/her ability.

    The point is it is the son who has to manage present situation. After marriage, it is the wife who has come and made his home as her home. He cannot let past relationships ruin the new ones. In fact, unnecessary attachment to older relationships affect those persons’ own newer relations. Every relationship requires a balance of time and space to nurture. However, the amount of time and space required changes with time. Many people fail to realize it or just stubbornly refuse to accept it. They just love to live in past and are unable to move on. As an example, the time required and spent with his mother by an 8 years old child cannot be the same as a 40 year old grown up son who happens to be now married and may have his own child as well.

    Any help, which is given with a view to oblige is not really a help. The person giving help makes the person receiving it, so conscious with the favor that it actually turns into a burden to him. Some receivers become life long indebted to the giver and this bias affects their relationships with all others around them. Even some givers make it a point to remind the receiver all the great deeds done by them lest he forgets and stops giving them the importance they feel is their right to demand. Such people give help and favors with expectation of returns, sort of quid pro quo and become unhappy when such returns do not come. Sorry to say but in Indian society, women especially mothers and sisters, are experts in such emotional blackmail with poor men at the receiving end. It is for nothing that one of the age-old wise sayings is “Neki kar, dariya mein dal”. It merely meant one should forget a good deed done to others. The unsaid meaning is that once you forget, you won’t expect anything in return. However, in practice most people do not really follow it.

    A help, thus has to be unconditional, selfless and detached (or forgotten) for it to be really meaningful and helpful to the receiver. Yes, it should propagate – among friends, peers, colleagues, family members and indeed from older generation to younger generation.

    ReplyDelete
  2. payal31 May 2018 at 05:50

    So aptly put. Yes, it is commonplace in indian society, a society which is rooted in Srimad Bhagwat Gita. Alas! Nobody hails Gita while acting!

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

सरपरस्ती

सरपरस्ती की ज़रूरत बढ़ती है उम्र के साथ , सिर पर पड़ती धूप से बचा ले कोई बुज़ुर्ग हाथ। वो आँखें जो मेरी राह की निगहबान हों , जिन्हें राह की मुश्किलों का भान हो।। बालों की चाँदी जो दे दे आँखों में चमक , हर जलन सीने की कर दें जो बरफ़। काँपते हाथ जो फेरे जाएँ सिर पे , तानी नसों को खोल दें फिर से।। बैठ कर पास जिनके समय थम जाए , बातों से जिनकी दिल में मिठास घुल जाए। इतना आराम बस एक ही जगह मिलता है , माँ - पिताजी के साये में वाक़ई कितना सुकून मिलता है।। - पायल   फ़रवरी २८ , २०१९
Read more

Let there be Maths,Language and Learning!

Just came across this book called  'Calculus Made Easy' by Silvanus P Thompson. Wonderful initiative by the author to bring maths to language and vice versa. I sincerely feel that the teachers need a connection with the students at the language front. We must put some meaningful words into their mouths to help them understand and feel what they're learning. For this we the teachers must for some time or at the onset leave the puritan approach and let our hair loose on the subject. The dogma can be easily replaced be pragma.  Language should be more connecting,  contemporary and comprehensive. For example, for a Hindi medium student entering the college , the word 'arbitrary' which is so frequently used in maths doesn't  have any meaning. He has not used it before and what he used in Hindi also did not come from the language he spoke. The Hindi word for Arbitrary is Abheesht. No better than Arbitrary for the poor soul!  Where is the understanding? So in a way...
Read more

The Dogma of Mathematics

I teach Mathematics to Business Administration Students. Each academic year begins with students terrified of Mathematics , hating it. I too began as a strict mathematics teacher ....only to realize that it would not work. For Maths is far more than just a subject , it is a much deeper philosophy and potent to bring people into self realization.  Why are so many children so afraid  of it? The reason is pretty much the same as it is with the religion. The custodians have made it this way. We, the teachers,  must make a conscious effort to make this subject visual and experiential. While doing so, it is most important to maintain a user-friendly interface also . This alone can help make students loose their apprehensions and anxieties about the subject and come forward to explore it in its true essence!
Read more